Going through a separation and divorce is very difficult. I don’t care what anyone tells you. It is a tearing at the fabric of future-held dreams and what feels like certainties. Of course, that is all illusory as all we can be certain of is the present moment. But, still, for the human psyche, the continuity of our human situations provides a deep comfort to our psyches. It is natural to want and seek this comfort. And, if continuity on the human level happens in this arena, that is wonderful. It is to be celebrated.
The marriage had been around 25 years in duration. It produced two beautiful beings in the form of our sons, and offered many positives in numerous directions. But, for spiritual and otherwise growth to continue, this change in the marital status needed to take place. It was that simple. This is certainly not true for lots of folks. But it was, in our case.
And, my love and affection for my previous partner has only grown. We remain very good friends.
Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, (so…many, many years ago! 😄), I was attending some sort of workshop. I cannot be certain of where or the title of the workshop. (Though, I do believe it was in Washington, D.C.) In it, we were asked to stand up and describe our main purpose in this life. Folks stood up in various parts of the room and spoke on this topic. When my turn came, without really any premeditation- from what I recall - I stood and simply said, “I want to know God.”
And, it seems this has been the driving force in my life…This wanting to wake up and live from pure consciousness, from the truth.
Another memory that arises comes from the summer between my junior and senior year in college. My parents were living in Brasilia, Brazil at the time, and I flew down from UC Berkeley to join them for the summer. (This did provide an awesome summer sojourn!)
It was Fourth of July and the British Embassy, in the manner of wonderful humor, invited Americans in the area for some good-natured festivities. My family and I attended, and I remember wearing the requisite red, white and blue ensemble. We had loads of fun!
Toward the end of the festivities, I was conversing with a fellow there, about what I don’t recall. It was certainly a pleasant and amicable conversation. It came time for us to depart, and I ended the conversation - as one would want to do - and started to leave. As I was walking away, he called to me and I turned. Apropos to nothing; in other words, saying something that had nothing to do with our previous conversation, he pointed his finger at me and said, “Remember, constancy.”
Years later, constancy was a word I encountered once I embarked upon my spiritual path. I don’t recall it’s usage ever before, aside from that Brasilia moment.
So, I feel the message that came through my fellow party-attender (And, I sense he had no idea he was saying this insofar as it really felt like the message’s origin came from elsewhere!..) on that very fine day was a reminder to keep the company of constancy in that search to know God…To keep ones feet headed with certainty in the direction of awakening, the great bowing down to that pure, unalloyed light…
I was told, on the inner levels, after the separation took place, that this ending of our marriage was a spiritual sacrifice. I had not seen it that way, theretofore. It seems it is (ironically) part of this constancy.
I am not attempting to dress up and put a pretty bow on the very difficult human passage known as divorce. But, I have to honor what has been revealed, in our case.
So, I thank the fellow at that Fourth of July festivity those many years, and all the other innumerable ways life and grace (Are they, perhaps, synonymous?!) cradle and support us with great love as we proceed with constancy in this human life.
Thank you.
Annie Kiyonaga
October 23, 2021
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